My name is Erin Parker, and I am a recovering perfectionist. I have a feeling that I am not the only one in this self-help group.
"Healthy striving is self focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think?" – Brené Brown
I read this line about a month ago in a book by Brown and had one of my Oprah "ah ha" moments. For so long I had been under the impression that my perfectionist personality was just about me demanding the absolute best of myself. I would beat myself up for the smallest errors or not receiving a perfect score. It became a vicious cycle because any little error meant "I wasn't perfect enough." It just went on and on. I wasn't doing this for me. I was doing this for everyone else. I was trying to make everyone else believe that I was perfectly smart, kind, capable, and worthy. I was trying to avoid judgment and being blamed for anything going wrong. My perfectionism led to a great deal anxiety, self worth issues, and exhaustion. Not only this, my perfectionist attitude stopped me from doing some things out of a fear I wouldn't be good enough at it.
I think many of you who will read this can relate, so I am proposing that we shed the perfectionist mentality and work on becoming healthy strivers. We should always work to do our best. I refuse to do anything that I won't give my all to; that's a waste of time. However, we should learn to accept that our best is good enough because it is.
Strive for more because that's what you want. Don't do it so that others will have a certain perception of you. It's more important how you feel about yourself. We all have to learn to become our own best friends. If you wouldn't say something to your best friend, don't say it to yourself. Be kind to you. As Brown wrote, "We're all doing the best we can."
If we are all doing the best we can, I'd like to add how important it is to watch the pressure we put on others, especially kids. Too often I see students who cannot function if they do not receive a perfect score. They have complete meltdowns and rip themselves apart. This idea of healthy striving is exponentially important to instill in young adults. They need to learn that one point or letter grade will not ruin them or the way that people view them. One of the greatest things to ever happen to me was during my junior year of high school.
My favorite teacher and now best friend was helping me schedule my classes for the next year. I had received my first B+ and was mortified; I was equally embarrassed that she would see it on my transcript and realize that I wasn't perfect. After making my plea that I should have received an "A" and essentially "hustling for my worthiness,” she looked at me and said, "Don't worry about one 'B.' It adds character. You're still great." I will never forget that as long as I live. We have to be quick to help kids realize that mistakes or even less than perfect is okay; in fact, that's life. Don't ridicule or ruin a kid's self worth over one tiny miscue.
So, here it is: I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am going to go out and be the best me that I can be, and for the first time in my life, I am going to be proud of it. You all deserve the same. Join Team Healthy Strivers. It will be perfect...just kidding.
Go do your best,
EP
Tell me something that you’d love to try but never have because you were afraid of not being perfect.